Can I Tell You Something?

13 Mar

Mom can I tell you something

Nothing good ever came from the above sentence. I have been a mother for 17 years, give or take a weekend here or there where I abandoned the practice. I am sure that any sentence that has ever begun with “Mom, can I tell you something?” never ended well.  Just know, when you hear that sentence, you should brace yourself for impact, put on your game face, hold your breath because the MINUTE you respond with “yes” or “I think so” or even if you curl up into the fetal position and suck your thumb, the child’s next sentence will likely be something you didn’t want to hear.

Last night I went to the Irving gas station down the road in my pajama’s. It was 6:00pm so I of course, brought  Child #1 with me so she could run in and get my soda for me. Its one of the privileges of motherhood. I don’t want to do something, I don’t want to get dressed, so I will drive there reluctantly because I really want what I have to go out for, but I will force you, as my child, to get out of the car and get it for me.  Anyway, I digress, I brought #1, who is almost 18 but going on 12, with me in the car.  On the way home I hear the dreaded “can I tell you something.”

Now, I have always prided myself in being the coolest mom ever. I mean I am so cool it can almost be seen as though I dont give a shit. Which, sometimes I don’t. I have explained to my children time and time again, that I know what kind of stupid crap they are going to try to pull with me. I would much prefer the truth the first time around because eventually I will find out and this way I wont kill you. If you drink, don’t drive, call me and I will come get you. NO MATTER WHAT TIME of day or night, I will come get you and if you call me instead of driving and/or getting into the car with some pubescent moron who has been consuming, I will praise you and not kill you. I remember that I had sex, drank, did drugs. I must have missed the line that most parents stand in that gives you a good dose of amnesia. For me, its a when, not if.

“yes #1, you can tell me anything.” cringe moan, bile rises in my throat.

Then she begins to tell me the tale of her week at dad’s house where she snuck out and went swimming in the ocean with a boy… naked.

You would be proud of me, I didn’t kill her by slamming my car into the nearest tree (admittedly though, the thought did briefly cross my mind).  After the initial impact of what she had said, really I didn’t hear anything else which is sad because it probably was a good story. I did however get her a condom and snuck it into her hand later and informed her she needed to use it. I even made her a doctors appointment… and one for me to get my Valium refilled.


2 Responses to “Can I Tell You Something?”

  1. AlaskaNicole May 10, 2011 at 4:25 AM #

    Well done Mom! I enjoy looking back and seeing where bloggers started. 🙂 I’ll bet that was tricky…but great for your relationship with #1.

    • middleofthebed May 10, 2011 at 11:41 AM #

      Ha! Tricky is an understatement 😉 Re-reading this entry makes me nervous and jittery all over again lol!

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